"I find excessive showering just for the hell of it overrated. I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret."
"There's a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn't mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder."
"We were greeted by a dark-skinned man who introduced himself as Truth. We introduced ourselves as Honesty, Happiness, Honor, Witness, Serengeti , and Schnitzeldoodle. We didn't find out until later, when we met our tracker called Life, that Truth wasn't joking with us about his name."
"My sister has her period. Is it okay for her to be outdoors?"
"Shopping for maternity wear prior to trips shouldn't be ruled out either. Quietly I wondered if the elephant would confuse me as one of her own, considering my recent weight gain."
"He responded that he didn't tell guests his personal information. I responded by informing him that we were not regular guests and any and all personal information should be disclosed ASAP."
"It would have been very romantic had we been there with our boyfriends, had any of us actually had boyfriends."
"Every morning, I would try on all three pairs of pants I had brought hoping that somehow my weight had shifted while I slept, but to no avail."
"I want my sister with me at all times, and it's of no concern to me whether she feels the same way."
"He informed us that the elephant ride had been cancelled and it would not be in the morning. "Did the elephants make other plans?""
"It's not lost on me that the people I respect the most are the people who want to hang out with me the least."
"I can't believe I bleached my asshole for this trip."
"He was wearing flip-flops, and I prefer that men don't do that."
"I changed my underwear, put the dirty pair into the safe, and locked it. If Rex was staying with me, I didn't want him to see what I was capable of."
Showcasing our bodies in bathing suits wasn't an option. I told her we would simply have to choose off-peak hours to submerge ourselves in the Atlantic.
"We're in the Bahamas and I haven't seen one black person. We just came from Africa and I'm not prepared to go cold turkey."
"Shelly and I toasting to seeing our first black person. "
"I have thrown underwear out in the garbage in order to prevent my cleaning lady from seeing them in the laundry. I have wrapped underwear in a plastic ziplock bag, put it in my purse, taken it to work, and thrown it in the trash in my office bathroom in order to avoid my cleaning lady from seeing my misconduct."
While skiing "I had stashed in my jacket pocket (two single Fritos) in case of an emergency."
"The saying that money doesn't buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps."
If you want to read another book by a funny lady, check out Amy Poehler's book and Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) who said an alternative title for her book is "So You've Just Finished Chelsea Handler's Book, Now What?"