Sunday, November 22, 2015

Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari


Aziz is a comedian and actor. You might have seen him on the TV show "Parks and Recreation", hosting the 2010 MTV awards, he's been in a few movies, filmed his own comedy special this year "Live at Madison Square Garden" and has his own series on netflix called "Master of None". He released his book this summer on the comedic pitfalls of dating in the modern world. He worked with multiple sociologists and referenced statistics to show he thoroughly researched the topic of dating. He starts with the history of dating in this country and how its evolved. And how romance has changed due to technology, ie texting and tinder. He also travels around the world to France, Argentina and Japan to compare their dating to ours. It's truly a  legit sociological study of romance in the modern age. It's the only book of it's kind out there on the challenge of looking for love in the digital age.

Many of his observations I've noticed myself such as the following trends with the advent of the smartphone. He complains about people being too busy to write you back but have time to post photos on facebook and how rude that is. (yep I have a friend like that!) "What I see out in bars today, which is usually a bunch of people staring at their phones trying to find someone or something more exciting than where they are."  "If I text someone, and they wait ten minutes to text me back, I wait twenty. We both know the other is glued to their phone. Everyone is. So if you're gonna play the game, that's fine, but I'll play it better, I'm very competitive."  "Put a group of young people in a room and they will be buried on their phones, not talking to anyone around them. You don't need to make small talk with strangers when you can stare at your phone." "As a medium, it's safe to say, texting facilitates flakiness and rudeness and many other personality traits that would not be expressed in a phone call such as cancelling plans."

On the topic of dating his statistics say that "for the first time in history, the typical American now spends more years single than married." "Living alone has skyrocketed almost everywhere and in many major cities from Paris to Tokyo to DC to Berlin, nearly half of all households have just one resident."
"Having a husband and kids isn't a prerequisite to having a well-rounded fulfilling adult life anymore." We are willing to look very far, for a very longtime, to find a soul mate.

On the topic of online dating he statistics say that "between 2005 and 2012 more than one third of couples who got married in the United States met through an online dating site." One person got approx 350 matches in 5 months, that's 70 people a month, so statistically you'll meet more people online than in person. So you can say that to the uninformed person asking why are you are online. Because "today, if you own a smartphone, you're carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket." "Online dating works best as a forum where you can meet people whom you'd never otherwise be able to meet. It's the ultimate way to expand the search beyond the neighborhood" "As of Oct 2014, Tinder has more than fifty million users. New York and Los Angeles were using Tinder as the go-to dating app. People were using it to meet people for relationships."


Aziz says that "online dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have." He goes into great dept into how to do it right. He suggest resisting the temptation to start long online exchanges before a first date. "There's only one way to determine whether you have a future with a person and that is meeting them face to face. Nothing else can give you a sense of what a person is actually like, nor whether you two will spark." So he advises online daters to keep their messaging to a minimum and to meet the person in real life as quickly as possible. "If you spend your nights in endless exchanges with strangers, after a certain point, if you're still trading endless back and forth messages online you're just wasting time"

Aziz spend hours talking to women and seeing the kind of "first texts" they get from men online and he described it 'infuriating'. "These were intelligent, attractive, amazing women and they all deserved better...Most of the texts women receive are, sadly, utterly lacking in either thought or personality. What to know what's filling up the phones of nearly every single women. It's this: "hey" and while that may seem harmless, seeing it from the other side is eye-opening. When your phone is filled with that stuff, generic messages come off as super dull and lazy. Would you go to up to a girl in a bar and say "hey" ten times in a  row?"


He gives tips for men meeting women online:

  1. Don't exchange endless meaningless texts, pick up the phone and call a girl, it'll show you have confidence in yourself and you won't be wasting her time.
  2. Don't ask a girl to "hang out" make it clear it's a date.
  3. Pick something fun and exciting for a first different, not the usual bar where you just exchange resumes.
  4. Invest in a person, meaning go on a few dates with someone before you decide they are not for you because you can't appreciate all of someone's qualities from a first date.


"One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos."



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